To reduce pressure in your marriage

Remember back when I wrote about how my marriage used to be like a pressure cooker, and that maybe yours is to? Remember how I told you I would post the very next day about what you can do if you find yourself in a pressure cooker marriage to reduce that pressure? Well, the best laid plans and all.

Anyway, here I find myself finally with some time while Libby does a little extra reading on her own. The dishwasher is running, as are the washing machine and dryer. And so my thoughts turn to pressure cooker marriages.

If you have read through my pressure cooker post and find that perhaps your marriage is similar to what I described, don't lose heart. There are some steps that you can take to reduce that pressure and to bring more peace and love to your marriage.

The first thing you need to do is stop and pray. Make the choice to commit your marriage to God for Him to fix, and follow through on what He tells you to do. If you really want to fix it, if you really acknowledge that both you and your spouse have issues to deal with, God will lead and guide you to a better marriage.

The second thing you need to do is sit down and have a real, honest conversation with your spouse. Go on a date, or have someone watch the kids so you can have some alone time at home if you don't want to have the discussion in public. This is crucial. If both you and your spouse can acknowledge a problem and agree to work to fix it, your work will be much easier. If you try to have this conversation and your spouse blows you off and doesn't agree that there are issues that need to be worked on, you can still do this.

The pressure tends to build up in a marriage when a couple has a hard time addressing and working through conflict. I know this was definitely the case in my marriage. I wrote a post a while back on dealing with conflict appropriately. Basically, if you are in any kind of relationship (whether with a friend or child or spouse), you will experience conflict. Learning how to work through it greatly improves your relationship and works wonders towards bringing you and that person closer together instead of farther apart. Learn some tools and utilize them.

Sometimes the pressure builds when wives feel unloved and/or husbands feel disrespected. Ladies, lets face it. With how we use our words we have the power to either destroy our husbands or make them walk on air. Your husband speaks the language of respect. It's how God made them. When you speak in a way that makes your husband feel respected (the Bible says, basically, whether they deserve it or not; don't worry, it says the same about you), it will speak volumes into his man-heart and will also do a lot towards reducing the pressure in your marriage. And after a while (this is particularly for the wife whose husband does not agree to work on the pressure-issue with her), if your husband really feels like you respect him he will work harder to make you feel loved. Be intentional with this.

And finally, throughout the course of an argument or just any random conversation, your spouse may say something that hurts you. I am a feeler, so I really have to work hard at how I respond when my spouse has said something that hurt my feelings. This is another thing that can potentially build or reduce pressure. If you react defensively and lash out at your spouse for what they said, this will only continue you around and around in that pressure cooker while the pressure builds. If you react with grace, you can diffuse the situation and let out some of the pressure.

Through all of these things, the main point is that you have to be intentional in your marriage, FOR your marriage. Take steps toward your spouse with loving words and genuine care. Like the old saying goes, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Make the choice to stop adding to the heat in your pressure cooker marriage by addressing conflict in a constructive way when it arises, treat your spouse in a loving and respectful way, and offer your spouse grace.  Pray over your marriage, over your relationship, and commit to doing YOUR part in changing for the better. I would never deceive you by saying it is easy. I have done the hard work. I continue to do the hard work. And I am reaping the benefits of cultivating the soil of my marriage. I encourage you to as well.

Is your marriage like a pressure cooker?

I watch the pressure cooker as it rattles away preserving green beans to feed my family. I always try not to remember that at one point in time I referred to my marriage as a pressure cooker, but I always fail. The very words "pressure cooker" have etched themselves so in to my mind that they almost seem synonymous with the state that my marriage was in at one point. Thankfully, miraculously, my marriage is no longer like a pressure cooker. But as I stand and watch the pot as it dangerously builds so much pressure that it is almost uncomfortable to watch and even the slightest misstep could make it explode, I think of you. I think of all the married people I know, and even the ones I don't, and I wonder. Is your marriage like a pressure cooker?

If you aren't sure the answer to that, it could be that the answer is "no." Or it could be that the answer is "yes" and you don't want to face it because facing it would mean that you have to make a choice on what to do about it. A pressure-cooker-marriage is one where the husband or wife consistently avoids dealing with any conflict, instead pushing it away by ignoring it or "moving on" without really moving on. It is where said unresolved conflict causes either the husband or wife to feel "on the edge" all of the time, leading the other spouse to feel like they are walking on eggshells. In this kind of marriage, little things could set a spouse off in a rant or silent treatment or argument that does more to add to the stress rather than diffuse it. A pressure-cooker-marriage is one that makes people think of the word "divorce" even though they swore they never would. This is a marriage that sits dangerously close to the edge of falling completely apart. This list is not all-inclusive and it is not exhaustive. Some of them may apply and not others, and there are more things that I did not add.

If any of these sound like your marriage, I really want to encourage you to make the choice to fix the problem rather than let it destroy you and your spouse. A pressure-cooker-marriage cannot stay in the same place. It either has to get better or it will explode. Just like you can build up pressure in your marriage over time, you can also let out pressure over time. Since you cannot control what your spouse does, I am encouraging YOU to take the first step. You might say, "But you don't know what my spouse does..." I know. I have heard many excuses and I have said many excuses. My marriage was like this. It took an affair and a separation for me to open my eyes. Let me encourage you to do something to reduce the pressure and increase the happiness in your marriage, even today.

I started to write out some ideas on how to reduce the pressure in your marriage, but this post would end up way too long, so I will leave that for tomorrow. I will leave you with this, though. If your marriage is like a pressure cooker, the best thing you can do is turn off the heat. Take a step towards your spouse with kind words and loving gestures. Without expectations. This will go a long way.

A marriage redeemed

"There's some one else. I'm in love with her. I want a divorce."

Those dreaded words had come out of my husband's mouth just a few days before. I spent the weekend trying to convince him otherwise.

After another afternoon of me trying again to talk to him, he decided to go outside and play with our two older kids. 

As soon as he walked outside, I cried out, "Oh God, what do I do?" His answer came quick and it brought me to tears. "Let him go." I replied, "I don't want to!" In His infinite knowledge of today and tomorrow, He said again, "Let him go."

To read the rest of this story, head over to Messy Marriage, where Beth is sharing about how my marriage was destroyed by sin, and redeemed by Grace.

Striving to live

We sat together, my good friend and I, enjoying the cool air (that a few weeks ago we considered hot!) after eating some yummy dinner. We talked about kids and marriage and life, and I said, "I just wish it would be consistently good. Why is it that we have days that are effortlessly great and days that really just take work? Scott and I can have a really great day, and then something happens the next day and it seems like we are having to work through a conflict. Wouldn't it be nice if it wasn't so hard?"

And then today, sitting outside reading the Word and listening to the birds call to each other, He reminded me that, yeah, it is hard, and by the way, He already said it was going to be.

Romans 8:15-17 "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, "Abba, Father." For His Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. And since we are His children, we are His heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share in His glory, we must also share in His suffering."


The Study Bible says about these verses "Jesus is heir to all of God's promises, and as those who belong to Jesus, we share with Him in that glorious inheritance. However, just as it was for Jesus, our path to glory is also marked by suffering. We experience the difficulties that come from striving to live righteously in a world dominated by sin."

Life is hard because there is a real struggle in our souls between what we ought to do (living righteously) and what we want to do (the cravings of our sinful nature). God's original law, though good and right, only served to show the people what they were doing wrong. It didn't bring with it any means to stop doing the wrong. That's where Jesus came in. With His death and resurrection, we are given His Spirit, and the Spirit lives in us, enabling us to choose not to be slaves to our sinful nature and to walk righteously. By His grace and power, may I strive to have more and more days where I choose not my sinful nature, but His righteousness.

The marriage garden

I was hunched down, the sun hot on my back, picking at the little garden weeds to get them out of there before they became a big problem. I glanced over my little garden, ripe with possibility in new growth. I thought about what it will look like in another several weeks compared to now, and then at the end of the summer in all it's fullness, spent of all it's offerings. How will my tending to it compare then to now?

The answer came quick, knowledge gleaned from seasons past. In a few weeks, in the hot middle of summer, and in the coolness of Fall, my tending to this garden will be much the same. I will pull the weeds before they become too big to handle. I will surround my tender vegetables with plants that will attract bugs that are beneficial to the veggies. I will quickly get rid of bugs that will destroy my veggies. I will water it. I will prune it. I will fill it with nourishment from grass cuttings and kitchen scraps.

The fact that the plants and flowers get older and more mature doesn't mean that they become immune to disease and death. In fact, the very thing that will bring disease and death is neglect from me. So I will water even when I don't feel like watering. I will not despair after a particularly hot day leaves things wilty, I will just add a little more watering. I will pull the weeds even though it is hard, hot work, and I will do it before they become big with deep roots. I will destroy any thing that poses a threat to the growth of my precious garden. And if for some reason the weeds do get big and deep, or a particular plant seems to be struggling, I will do what is necessary to fix it.

 And when I say, as I often do, that marriage is like a garden, this is exactly what I am talking about. No marriage, whether new or old, is immune to disease. No marriage can go without daily watering, nourishing, weeding, and pruning for long before it becomes overgrown and diseased. Every marriage, whether new or old, experiences really hot days where they are left feeling wilted. Every marriage benefits from having other couples around who are for their marriage and seek to encourage in that area. Every marriage, when properly tended to, yields fruit and blessing to everyone around them. Because just like a garden, the very thing that will bring disease and death to a marriage is neglect. And just like a garden, there will be weeds that pop up and threaten your marriage.

So I will daily seek to water and tend to the fertile ground of my marriage. And I will trust that the fruit that is produced will be a blessing to everyone around us.

And  I encourage you to do the same :) You, your marriage, your spouse, your children, and the people around you will notice, and will be blessed.
 

I'm so glad we fought

We sat together, dreaming, talking about the future. Trips we would like to go on. Vacations with our children. What we would like to experience together as we live out the rest of our lives. How we would like to fix up our house now that we are able to a little at a time. What we would like to do once the kids are out of the house. Dreaming and loving and loving what we were dreaming about.

I couldn't help but think, in those precious moments, that we almost missed out on them. In a flash I was filled with so much. So much pain at what we almost lost. So much joy and thankfulness that we didn't lose it. And so much love for my husband who has fought as hard as I have to make sure we arrived at the very place we are at. So much honor at the legacy we are leaving for our children.

I looked at him and he could see it in my eyes. After almost 14 years together, we are able to say so much to each other without using words. Then I told him that I am so thankful that we are able to talk about our future together, that we didn't miss the opportunity. With sincerity that I knew went as deep as his heart, he said that he is thankful every single day for what we have.

If you are experiencing a rough patch in your marriage, if it is taking more work than you find yourself willing to give, if you or your spouse has had an affair and you are trying desperately to find each other again, please know that it is worth it to fight for your marriage. Yes, it takes work, sometimes the hardest work of your life. Yes, it may take time before you really start seeing results. It has taken 2 full years for us to get where we are (and, by the way, it will take work until the day we die, because marriage, like a garden, takes cultivating and daily care to bloom). But, if there is anything I can tell you today, it is that IT IS WORTH IT!

When you offer your marriage to God and seek to be the husband or wife that God calls you to be, He will bless it!

When your spouse's words deflate you

It came out of no where.

We were sitting down with the kids having lunch and a nice conversation. I said something, and he responded in a way that I perceived as very critical and unkind. And I was deflated. Immediately.

The conversation ended there, and he could tell what had happened without me even having to say anything. We have talked about this before. He knows how important words are to me. He knows they have the power to build me up or destroy me. And he knew what he had just done. He apologized, and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.  I believed he was sorry, but that didn't change the way I felt.

As lunch ended and I cleaned the kitchen up (I declined his offer to help), my mind kept going back to what he said. I stewed on it. Angry thoughts came to my head. "Well, now I know what he REALLY thinks." "I'm sure not going to bring that up anymore!" A song came on the radio reminding me to forgive. I sang the song, but still the battle raged in my mind and heart. I recognized my tendency to hold on to hurt, and I really wanted to change that about myself. Yet I lacked the strength to change my own heart. Finally, I went to change the laundry. In my mind flashed an image of Scott and me laughing together, enjoying each other, loving each other. Quietly the Lord spoke to my heart, "Doesn't that feel so much better than this?" I agreed that, yes, feeling free to love and laugh with my husband feels much better than being held captive to anger and hurt feelings. He reminded me that in order to take hold of the one I had to let go of the other. That finally gave me what I needed to fully let go.

We can't control what the people around us do or say. We can't control how their actions or words make us feel, but we can control how we will respond to it. I must admit that the old me would have definitely held on to that hurt and let it affect the way I treated Scott for the rest of the day, at least. But this me, the one who is daily seeking to be refined and sanctified by Christ, allowed Him to break through my thoughts. And this me decided to act on what I know, rather than what I feel. He had apologized, after all, and he was authentic in his remorse. The burden of responsibility lay with me.

After the kids were in bed, we sat in the living room folding laundry. We were casually talking and enjoying each others' company. Gently I said, "You know you really hurt my feeling earlier, right?" He said, "I know, and I am so sorry." I told him I knew he was sorry, I could tell when he had said it. I had seen the pain in his eyes when he realized he had hurt me. I told him about my struggle to let it go, but that I realized that if I wanted God to change me I had to actually allow him to. He looked me in the eyes and thanked me for being the woman that I am.

I believe that this is one of God's purposes for marriage. He created us to sharpen each other, to make each other better. If that means that there will be conflict, I pray that God would always cultivate in me a spirit that is willing to grow.

We see it as pain and hurt and struggle in our marriage. He sees it as a way to make us more like Himself. 

The blessing of sex

I am not excited about publishing this. Seriously? This, Lord? Okay, I'm most certainly no expert, but if what I do know will help others, then so-be-it.

A few weeks ago Scott had to go to his school's graduation. He rode with some of the other male teachers, and unbeknownst to him they had a plan to hang out for a bit afterwards. These are guys that have become good friends this year, and are some pretty stand-up guys. He called me from where they were afterwards so I would know why he wasn't on his way home, and I told him to have a good time. It was late already, and I was in bed by the time he got home.
It turns out, as one would probably expect with a small group of men, that the conversation turned from how to improve the quality of education at their school... to sex. Scott was the one who started it. He said, "You guys realize that you bringing me here instead of home greatly reduces the likelihood that I'm going to get some tonight." (I couldn't possibly be blushing any more than I am right now). After they joked that then they'd better get him home, they started to really talk about it. What did they talk about? They talked about frequency. How often? "About twice a month" here. "Lucky if even that" there. They asked Scott how often. One of the guys was taking a drink as Scott answered, and he choked on it. Really. When he was relaying this conversation to me later, I told him I was glad that he could be proud of his answer.
I don't want to go into specifics about how frequently my husband and I have sex, because, well my family reads this, and maybe his does, too. What I do want to say, though, is that we make it a priority. You see, we've been on both sides of this coin. In the first 5 1/2 years of our marriage, I was very selfish, especially when it came to sex. Now, after the first year we were married I was either pregnant or nursing a baby for the next 4 1/2 years. I was tired, and hormonal, and at the end of the day I didn't want anyone else touching me. I put the needs of my husband and this way of nourishing our marriage way on the back burner. The frequency that we had sex then was embarrassingly low. Yet, even in these circumstance I still didn't have a right to say that I didn't want any. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, the Bible says that husbands and wives should not deprive one another sexually, except for already agreed upon times of prayer after which they should come together again. It doesn't say, "unless you are too tired, or had a fight, or don't feel like it". 
If I were to compare our relationship now, when we make sex a high priority in our marriage, and before, when we didn't, on those facts alone, I would say without a doubt that our marriage is happier and more satisfying than it was before. God created sex as a way to nurture each other and our marriage. He knew that regularly engaging in this very important act would bless both the husband and the wife. He knew what He was doing!

So, here are a few steps you could take to intentionally improve this area of your marriage.
1. Go visit Sheila at her blog To Love, Honor and Vacuum and read through her series "29 Days to Great Sex", or even buy her book "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex". Really, go over and read her stuff. It is really good stuff. If you are in a situation where you have been abused or sex is literally painful for you, she has a lot of good insight and wisdom to share.
2. Sit down with your spouse and really have a conversation about your sex life. Scott and I have, on several occasions. And I have literally said, "I can't believe we are talking about this" when what we were specifically talking about was, well, embarrassing. Talk about what helps you, what hinders you, what would help you get in the mood, what would help your spouse. Talk about what would be a realistic expectation for both of you as far as what you want to strive for frequency-wise. The biggest thing here, is to take the focus off of yourself and put it on your spouse. Communication is so key!
3. Ladies, we are busy, and let's face it, sex is not something that is on our minds a lot. Guys, you've got this covered. Ladies, make a point to think about having sex with your husband. If you get yourself prepared mentally for what will come later, you will find that you are more in the mood than you used to be.
4. Pray. God wants to bless you in this area just like any other. Ask God to pour His blessing over your marriage bed as you seek to honor His ways in every area of your marriage. Pray before hand. If you don't find that your are really interested and your spouse is, pray for God to give you the momentum.

When you make sex a priority in your marriage, the blessings will abound.

I went and visited Scott at school a few days after they had had this post-graduation conversation. Two of the men, grown men, were peeking around a corner at us and giggling like school girls. They made a comment about how they had to keep an eye on us "kids" when we were on school grounds. He and I laughed, and I felt so proud as my husband's chest lifted a little. I want to be a crown on his head. I want to be a wife that he is proud to talk about. That day, I felt like one.

What we have learned

Thank you to all of you who have taken time to read through our story of a marriage broken by an affair and redeemed by God's hand (parts one, two, and three). Indeed, we are opening ourselves up in a significant way. Through the course of our separation and struggles afterward, though, I said many times that I would not let our experience go in vain. I felt like it would be all useless if I didn't allow God to use it to help those beyond myself and my husband. I would never do anything without Scott's okay, and we both had a significant amount of healing to do before we were ready to talk about it on this level.

Scott and I don't claim to be professionals in any area (except for maybe the study of each other and our children), but there are some valuable things that we have learned through our experience. I would like to share some of those things with you. Hopefully they can be of some help to someone.

First, it is never too late to work on your relationship with your spouse. I became determined that I was going to treat Scott with the respect and honor that God called me to as his wife (the Bible says, in essence, "whether he deserves it or not") until a judge told me I wasn't married to him anymore, and even if it came to that I wouldn't have given up until I had a clear message from God telling me to. I have heard of several situations where a couple divorced and even then God restored their marriage and brought them back together. Once we reconciled, Scott became determined that he was going to love me like God called him to love me, even if I wasn't acting lovable. If you are in a place in your marriage where it is just too hard, you and your spouse have "grown apart", or if you just don't feel the love that you used to feel, God can change that! The first thing you need to do is trust that He can and will, and go to Him in prayer. Pray fervently, never-ending if need be, and have faith that He is hearing you and wants to bless your marriage. He will even give you the desire to work on your marriage if you don't have it. It will take time. You and your spouse didn't become unhappy in your marriage overnight, and it won't be an overnight fix. If you have been praying and aren't seeing any changes, that just means you need to keep on praying and waiting on God to move. The second thing you need to do is focus on yourself. I don't mean focus on yourself and what you need from your spouse, but focus on how you have been contributing to the hurt and pain in your marriage and work to change that. Often times the hardest thing we can do is take an honest look at ourselves and ask God to show us where He wants to grow and change us. Those times bring great sacrifice of our own will, but they also bring great rewards.

Second, prior to our separation we were always proud to say that we were a couple that never fought. We talked all of the time, even through some of our marriage ceremony, but when it came down to it we never talked about conflict. We never argued, we never resolved hurts and disagreements, and this was ultimately a big predicting factor of our separation. I read a statistic once that said one of the biggest predictors of divorce is the avoidance of addressing conflict. I wrote a post on dealing with conflict in marriage a while back, and if you and your spouse have a hard time working through conflict, I would encourage you to read it.

Third, Scott and I have both learned a lot about how to actually treat each other. We read the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and it really opened our eyes. It showed us how we had been literally sabotaging and destroying our relationship because we were going about loving each other all wrong. In the Bible, God specifically tells men to love their wives, and He tells wives to respect their husbands. As I have said many times before, the only thing I can control is myself, same as the only thing you can control is yourself, so I mainly have advice for wives. A few weeks ago I also wrote a post on how to speak his language (on respect). Check it out to see some suggestions on how to show your husband respect. God is good and His laws work. If you take the initiative, regardless of whether or not you feel like it, to show your husband respect, unless he is a psychopath or an abuser (both of which are seriously grounds for separation and divorce, do not stay in a situation in which you are in danger) he will respond by showing you love.

Finally, I would encourage anyone who is married, whether you are having problems or not, to periodically see a marriage counselor. There is always a stigma attached to going to a counselor for any reason, but in the whole scheme of things, if the embarrassment you feel about going to a marriage counselor to work on issues in your marriage is greater than the need you feel to do the necessary work to heal your marriage, your priorities may be a little off. Find the time. Take the initiative. A good, Christian marriage counselor can do wonders for you personally and for your marriage. If you are in my area and are interested, I will be more than happy to give you the name and phone number of the marriage counselor that Scott and I went to. If your spouse refuses to go, pray for God to change his or her heart, and begin going yourself.

These are all some very important and effective changes and steps that we took in our relationship, and God has blessed it many times over. I pray that they would bring some healing to your relationship as well :)

A marriage restored (Our story, part 3)

This is the third part of our story of a marriage that was ripped apart by sin and restored by God's mighty hand (you can read part 1 here and part 2 here).

When Scott came back home, instead of things getting easier they got harder. We both felt like we were doing the tremendous work of digging ourselves out of a great hole. He came home with a deep desire to work things out, but as the days wore on and he still shared a work environment with her, he began to doubt. Thankfully (and strategically ordained by God, I am certain), he continued to meet weekly with the friend of ours who he met with the day he came back home. Those regular meetings were like a boost of strength and conviction for Scott every time he went. I began the difficult work of facing what had happened, and was trying to find my way to the top of the deep deep hurt that I had experienced. We both continued to see our marriage counselor, but this time it was different. The counselor knew what had happened, since while we were separated I continued to go to him by myself, and when we went we were able to start moving forward from the very beginning. We read a lot of books together and separately (I would be happy to share titles if anyone is interested), we talked A LOT about what we had gone through even prior to the affair, we decided on some things we were going to do differently, and, most importantly, we spent a lot of time beseeching God on behalf of ourselves and our marriage.

One of the things that our counselor told Scott in one of the early sessions after we got back together was that he was going to have to realize that I was going to need to talk through what happened. I was going to need to talk, to cry, to say mean things about the other woman if I felt like it (without him defending her), to be affirmed by him, and to process through what happened, over and over and over again. I am so thankful that he told Scott this, because that is exactly what I needed. And through it all, Scott remained patient with me, he answered questions for me (sometimes very difficult questions), he was honest with me (even when the honesty hurt me), and he didn't try to deny anything that happened. I have heard of several situations where a couple was trying to work their way through the hurt of an affair and the person who had the affair was very intolerant of talking about what happened and just expected their spouse to get over what happened as soon as possible. I am SO thankful that Scott was not that way. I think the reason why he was able to do this, aside from our counselor warning him that it would be coming, was because he could see in me a change from the woman I once was. I treated him differently, with respect and dignity, no matter how I was feeling. I could also see a change in him. As God worked in his heart, I could see a different man emerge. The man he was becoming was one of dignity, of honor, of a genuine desire to know and love God. We both, in our own ways, had spent some time in the refining fires of God. Those fires were very hot and painful, but they had done (and continue to do) the necessary job of refining us both.

The journey to recovery we were on was not a short one. It was, however, one that had the very hand of God on it every step of the way. Instead of being a constant upward line of healing, the recovery line after an affair looks more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. We would have good days and we would have bad days. Sometimes our day would start out good, turn bad in the middle, then end up good. Satan was not happy that our marriage had overcome the destruction he had planned for it, and he did not give up easily. Thankfully, God continued to carry and lead us through, even in the times that we didn't even have the strength to lift up our eyes to Him. I struggled with forgiveness, with pain that hurt to the very core of my being, with trusting him again, and at times with even being unsure that I had the strength or desire to continue on in our journey. He struggled with guilt, with rebuilding a character that he had destroyed with his choices, and with regaining my trust. Beyond the first couple of really tough weeks, his loyalty and desire for me and our family has never waivered. God opened Scott's eyes to what he almost lost, and he has never looked back. I struggled through, and it it has been very helpful for me to have his strong arms to depend on during the times when all I could do was cry.

Our healing process has been just that, a process. One of the things that our marriage counselor said to us early on was that our experience was like a deep deep wound. When tending to a deep deep wound, you can't just put a Band-Aid over it or it will get infected. You have to get in there and clean it out, as deep down as the cut goes. Then you will have to wait for the pain to stop, and for healing to occur. Finally, two full years later, I can say that we are there. Two years may seem like a long time to someone who is just going through what we went through, but at the time I felt like the pain would NEVER stop, that I would NEVER forgive, that we would NEVER make it out of the hole. The memories will never leave us, and the affair is something that will always be a part of our past. But, the pain stays away (for the most part), and through our experience God has made a ministry for us. We are both passionate about marriage, and we are always telling couples to take care of each other. We would encourage a couple that the best thing they can do for their spouse is to have a great relationship with God, and the best thing they can do for their children if they have them is to have a great marriage with each other. Divorce is never easy, never clean, and it never happens without the children and spouses being destroyed. I don't care what anyone may tell you about their own supposed happiness post-divorce, it never ever works out well. That is a lie straight from Satan himself. Because he wants to destroy you.

I can honestly say that our marriage now is better and more fulfilling than it ever was before the affair. I have seen Christ, have experienced His wonderful, grace-filled hands around me. I will never go back. He has opened my eyes to see my husband for who he was created to be: my husband, not the sole source of my happiness. God has opened Scott's eyes to see the role of leader that God created him to be. These are things that we both struggled with before. Although it was the most painful thing Scott and I have ever experienced, we would both say that we can look back on it and be happy that it happened. If not for the affair, our marriage would possibly still be the train wreck that it was. That is a tricky thing to say, because I don't ever want to come across as saying that I think someone should have an affair to make their marriage better. You do have the choice to make your marriage better before it ever leads to something like a divorce or affair. Trust me, do the hard work of cultivating a healthy marriage. It does take work, and it will take work every single day, but it is so much easier than dealing with the aftermath of a divorce or affair.

We survived an affair (our story, part 2)

This is the second part of our marriage story (you can read the first part here). It is neither easy nor glamorous, as the movies might make you think about marriage. It is real life. Really, it is a story that shows God's great strength, love, and grace. I share it in the hope that someone else would be encouraged.

When our new baby was born, it seemed like Scott withdrew from me even more. He began sleeping in another bedroom, because I was nursing the baby through the night, and he also began to retire early in the evenings with his computer. One Friday, when the baby was three weeks old, he excitedly told me that he was going to be staying up late that night because the Buckeyes were playing late in a March Madness Tournament game. When evening came, we put the two older kids to bed and then when we came back downstairs he said he was going to go to bed. He got his computer and went upstairs to the room he had been sleeping in. I knew that he planned on being up for a while, so the fact that he had left me in the living room with our new baby made me feel very uneasy. After getting the baby to sleep, I put her in bed and then went into the room where Scott was. He was laying in bed and watching a House re-run on the computer, and I crawled into bed with him. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "nothing." Mustering up determination that I didn't know I had, I told him that I knew something was wrong, that when I hugged him it was like I was hugging a brick wall for all the affection he returned to me, and that I wasn't going to leave until he told me what was going on. I stood my ground, and then he finally realized that I was not giving up.

He said, "You really want to know the truth?"

I said, "Yes, I do."

 He said, "There's someone else."

At that very moment, my world began to spiral out of control. Trying to grasp at something to right myself, I began peppering him with questions. Yes, she was married as well but was going through a divorce. Yes, she had a daughter about the same age as our son. No, I didn't know her, hadn't met her. Yes, he loved her. No, he didn't know what he wanted to decide from there. No, he didn't know if he even wanted to stop seeing her. No, they hadn't had sex. Yes, she wanted to be with him. Yes, if they stayed together he would help her raise her daughter. No, she didn't want to have anymore children. And on and on it went until, at least for the moment, there was nothing more to stay. I told him that of course he could stay, but only if he agreed to stop seeing her. He said he would have to think about it, and talk to her about it when he saw her at school in a few days. I went back to my bed, where I prayed and wept the entire night.

After a few days it was clear that I was not able to get through to him at all about how we could work on our marriage and that it could get better. Once he got the news of the affair off his chest and no longer felt like he had to pretend, I could really see how much I had lost him. He decided that he didn't want to stop seeing her, and he didn't want to be with me. I told him that if he couldn't stay away from her then he had to move out. I later learned that as soon as he got his own apartment, their affair progressed from emotional to physical.

For two months we were separated. Scott was determined that he wanted a divorce. He thought that he had married the wrong person. He thought that there was not any hope that our marriage could be good again. He thought that once he could be divorced from me and be with the other woman, everything would be much better. They would be fine. The kids would be fine. I would be fine. These were all lies that Satan had fed him over time, and he had been in such a low spot that he believed them. I knew this. I also knew that none of it was true.

The moment that Scott told me about the other woman was the moment that I met Christ face to face. With a new baby and a 2 and 3 year old, the reality of what had happened would have literally pushed me over the edge. Instead, Christ carried me through that time. With my eyes fixed solely on Him, on saving my marriage no matter what, and on allowing Christ to transform me into the person He needed me to be, I somehow stayed above water. This, I had decided, was my only option. I knew that my failed marriage was not all my fault, but I was somehow wise enough to realize that it was not all my husband's fault either. I learned that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control him. But, I could control myself, and I wanted to use the opportunity to allow Christ to show me what kind of woman and wife I needed to be. I believed that God would bring us back together in His time, and I wanted to be ready. I had faith that God would change Scott in His time as well.

So I prayed, every minute of every day, and all through the night. I leaned very heavily on the shoulders of the people that love me and stepped in to help me (you all know who you are, and I love you dearly). God made sure that my needs and the needs of my babies were met, and in the meantime He transformed me. And in time, he transformed Scott as well. My prayers were that God would change the very heart of Scott, that God would bring Scott to his knees at the foot of the Cross, that He would break down the walls that existed between Scott and me, and put up walls between Scott and the other woman. And this is exactly what happened. Over time God began to open Scott's eyes. Finally, in God's perfect timing, He brought Scott to a place where He could speak to his heart. And He told my husband to come back home. The morning of our 6th wedding anniversary, Scott came by the house to drop the kids off on his way out of town. He and I talked, and I could tell that something had changed in him. I told him about the family reunion coming up that his mother had spoken to me about, and told him that he would be able to take the kids, even Remi for a while. He said, "Maybe we will all go together."

Two hours after he left my house, he called me. He told me that he had stopped by the other woman's house after he left ours, and he had broken things off with her. He said that he wanted to work on himself and our marriage. He didn't know if he was ready to come back home yet, but he was at least considering it. He didn't know exactly what that would look like, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. When he came back into town the next day, he made an appointment to speak to our pastor and great friend after work the following day. After meeting with him, Scott called me and told me that he was coming home. And he was staying.

This is part 2 of a three part story. You can find part 1 here and part 3 here.

Our Story, part 1

In a couple of my blog posts I have mentioned the fact that my husband and I went through an incredibly difficult time in our marriage a few years ago. Lately I have felt like God is calling me to step out and share the whole story.
One of our pastors said something the other day that really blessed me and encouraged me in making this decision (it seems like they have been blessing me so much lately with their wisdom!). He said "when we have the opportunity to trade something that is not eternal for something that is eternal, we should make that trade every single time." In putting our story out there, I am choosing to trust in God to use it to help other people instead of holding on to my own comfort. So, here is the first part of our story of a marriage ripped apart by sin, and redeemed by God's Grace.

We grew up in a small town, and in some ways it seems like we had always been aware of each other. I was a year ahead of him in school, and during my senior year we were in the same math class. Being so close in proximity to him every day, I began to really notice him, especially when he began tripping me when I would pass his seat to go to my seat (hey, we were in high school). At some point my friend starting talking to me about him, because she thought we would look cute together. And he had a car. One evening I went to the Senior Night volleyball game in support of my friend. I noticed one of his friends there before the game started and asked him if he knew if Scott would be coming. He said he didn't know. About 10 minutes later, as we stood to sing the National Anthem, I saw him. The flag was located over top of the entrance, and it was at that moment that he arrived. In the mass of all the people, his eyes found mine. In that short amount of time that we stood staring at each other, we became completely hooked. I had begun my senior year planning to not have a boyfriend, since I was going to be going to college the next Fall. As I stood and stared at that tall, handsome boy with light hair and green eyes, all of that changed. I later learned that his friend had called him (on the pay phone, hee hee) and told him that I had asked about him. He immediately left to come to the game. Within a few days, we were officially a "couple". God already had plans for us that were bigger than we could have ever imagined.
We dated through my senior year and then his, and through both of us going to separate colleges. We had the normal issues that most other dating couples had, especially since we were so young, but through it all there was an underlying bond that brought us through everything we went through. On a beautiful day in May, 5 1/2 years after that volleyball game, we stood before friends and family and said our vows. We were young and naive, but we knew that we were best friends and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together. What we didn't realize was that we were both taking a great deal of baggage resulting from our individual childhoods into our marriage with us, and as the years passed and life got hard, that baggage would rear it's very ugly head. We were doing the best we knew how, but through the stress of life, pregnancy, a miscarriage, and three babies born in less than 4 years, the way we were treating each other drew us away from instead of towards each other.
By the middle of my pregnancy of our third child, we had a 1 and 3 year old, and our 5 1/2 year marriage was in serious trouble. We began seeing a marriage counselor to work out our issues. We discovered a lot about the way we were treating each other, about my insecurities and abandonment issues stemming from my parent's divorce and the lack of my father's involvement in my life, about his feelings of never being good or capable enough carried over from his childhood, and our shared tendency to avoid discussing conflict.  While we were discovering many things during our therapy sessions, in between them Scott would still withdrawal from me. We would take steps forward with our counselor, and then steps way back when it was just the two of us.
Finally, during one of the snowiest days in February, our third child was born. Amid the joy of her arrival and wonderful home birth was the overriding feeling that our marriage was still in deep trouble.

This is part 1 of 3. You can find part 2 here, and part 3 here.

of noble character

(I will begin this and every blog post about what I am finding in the Bible about being a Godly wife, mother, and woman by saying that I by no means think that the woman is always the culprit in an unhealthy relationship. Marriages involve two broken, sinning humans who carry equal responsibility in making their relationship work. What I have had to learn the hard way, however, is that the only person I can control is myself. If there is an issue in my marriage, the only things I can do are seek God's insight on how I can be or do better, and pray that God will do the work in my husband's heart. So please read on with that in mind.)

 Proverbs 12:4 "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."
 Decay in the bones slowly and painfully eats away at you until you are left completely and utterly disabled, defeated, and in constant discomfort. It is not a surprise, then, that the Bible uses this analogy to describe the effect on a husband who has a disgraceful wife. In real life terms, this is the wife who is constantly harping at or belittling her husband. The wife makes a disrespectful or snooty comment, and there is an unmistakable look on her husband's face of disbelief (did you really just say that?), discouragement (do you really think I'm as stupid or incapable as you came across?), and pain (wow, that hurt!). When this happens, he may initially stand up for himself by arguing back or by telling her that he doesn't appreciate the way she was talking to him. Usually, though, this just makes her more angry and venomous, unless she has learned to control her tongue. 
Over time, the husband realizes that nothing he could say will help, and he stops trying to protect himself against her words. This is the husband who "stonewalls" when his wife wants to have a "discussion" about something that is bothering her. He has lost the energy and the desire to even try because he knows how it will end - with him feeling belittled, disrespected, and defeated. This has played out in my own marriage. I used to have horrible control of my tongue and would make snarky, cynical comments without even considering or caring how they made my husband feel. I was too caught up in how I was feeling in the moment to consider him. Fortunately, I was forced to face how I was treating him. I took a good look at how I was using my words and my feelings and realized that they were not in line with how the Bible calls me to act (towards my husband and people in general). Once my husband felt free to express how he had been feeling without the threat of retaliatory words (I have at times literally had to force my mouth to stay shut), he was able to tell me how I had been making him feel. It's ironic, but I had always wanted him to be the strong, dependable leader of our home, but I was creating the opposite with my words.
Recently, I was struggling a bit emotionally and briefly lost control of my tongue a few times. I can still see it in my mind: the look of disbelief in his eyes, the slight lowering of his shoulders, the almost imperceptible sigh and shake of his head. I knew I had crossed the line, and I should have apologized. Unfortunately, I didn't. Later on in the car, he was a little quiet. Finally, he said, "Can I be honest with you about something?" Immediately and impulsively, my ire went up. But, I pushed it back down and said, "Yes." He went on, "I have felt a little disrespected by some of your comments lately." Again came up the ire along with, "well, I've been tired, stressed, grumpy..." but I swallowed it back down and said, "I know, and I'm sorry for treating you like that." It wasn't a fun conversation for either of us, but it was necessary. He was able to be real with me without getting ripped apart, and I was reminded that I need to keep my temper in check and really pay attention to how I am making him feel with my words. 

So, then, what does it look like to have a noble character? Ruth was described in the Bible as being a woman of noble character. Ruth 3:11 "All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character." Ruth's story is a beautiful one to study. She experienced the pain of losing her husband and her father-in-law, of having nothing and no one but her mother-in-law (who wanted to leave Ruth's town to go back to the town she and her deceased husband and sons came from), facing the unknown of going with her mother-in-law to a town and religion she didn't know, and finally redemption. Through it all, she exuded a character that became known by everyone around as being noble and honorable. Ruth was fiercely devoted. Even when it was tough and the easy thing to do would have been to go back to her father's house, Ruth remained faithful by staying with her mother-in-law. Naomi even tried to convince Ruth to leave her, but Ruth said, "Don't urge me to leave you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God..." (1:16). Ruth was also humble. When she and Naomi arrived, Ruth immediately began doing what she could so that she and Naomi would have food to eat. At Naomi's instruction, Ruth went into the field of a man named Boaz and began to glean what she could from the ground behind the workers who were harvesting Boaz's barley. This is the position of a beggar, although it didn't stop Ruth. Ruth was a hard worker. In response to Boaz inquiring about Ruth, one of his men said, "she went into the field and has worked steadily from morning till now, except for a short rest in the shelter" (2:7). Finally, Ruth's reputation preceded her. She was a foreigner, so people were naturally going to be curious of her. She was watched and was found to be an extraordinary woman. Boaz was both kind and gracious to her. When Boaz and Ruth were finally able to sit together, she asked him why she had found such favor in his eyes. He responded, "I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law...May the Lord repay you for what you have done: (2: 10, 11). And God did repay Ruth, for she was in the maternal line of Kind David!

A man who has a wife like that is rich in blessing. I want to be that kind of wife! Neither women or men are perfect, but if we each try to mold and shape our character to be more noble, we will become blessings to our spouses, and we will make them want to stand tall, proud and strong!

That which is in our minds

I came across a verse this morning that made me think in a completely different way than it has on all the other million times I have read or heard it. 

 Philippians 4:8
   "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."
 This morning, instead of looking at this verse as a list of things we should have in our lives, it hit me that Paul chose the words "think about such things" instead of just "do such things" or "fill your life with such things." Normally you hear that the heart is the root of all actions, but where do things originate before they make it to your heart? In your mind. Everything that we do or say or fill our life with is a result of the things that we believe about ourselves or our situation or the people around us. If you think that you are unlovable, you will believe it in your heart and will act in a way that is unlovable. If you think that a situation is too big for you to handle, you will focus on that and will begin to feel anxious.  

Think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. If you want to change a certain behavior or the way you feel about yourself or a situation or a person, change the way you think. Make a decision that you will believe the truth (that God paid a price for you and you are incredibly lovely to Him; that even situations that are too big for you are not too big for God; that no matter what is going on around you, you can only control yourself and you can act in a way that is loving even if others aren't), and then when thoughts begin to invade that do not line up with what you want to believe, take them captive (*2 Cor. 10:5) and offer them to God. Ask Him to take the lies you believe and replace them with His truth, and He will. What you think affects what you feel, and what you feel determines what you do. So make sure what you are thinking lines up with what you want your life to look like. 

 2 Cor 10:5 - "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make is obedient to Christ." 

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Dealing with conflict in marriage

This past Sunday, my husband and I brought our children home from church, put them down for naps, and proceeded to have a huge argument. As in, both at times talking very passionately (I wouldn't quite say yelling), both at times crying. You might think, "That's strange, why would she write about fighting with her husband?" The thing is, in the past my husband and I never argued. If there was conflict, it was briefly brushed over if at all, and it was put away. Although the idea of never arguing with your spouse may at first seem nice, the reality is that when conflict isn't addressed, it just sits there, simmering under the surface until it explodes. Two years ago, this happened in my marriage.

While putting the pieces of my nearly-imploded marriage back together, I read a quote that said one of the top indicators of divorce is unresolved conflict. The fact is that unless you live in a world where you are the only one you ever see, there will be conflict in your life. There will especially be conflict in a marriage, where you are spending a great deal of time with the same person, who has different feelings, opinions, and ideas than you. What you do with that conflict is one of the biggest indicators of how satisfying your marriage will be.

Now, I am certainly no expert on dealing with conflict since, as I just mentioned, I have only been actually dealing with it for about two years now (out of the 13 that we have been together), but what I do know is that it must be done. When my husband and I have an argument, there are some things that we always try to do. First, we try to not get defensive. This is harder for me, and it drives my husband crazy. During our argument on Sunday, my husband actually said, "Okay, I feel myself getting defensive, and it drives me crazy when you do that, so I am going to step back and start over." He literally lowered his shoulders, took a breath, and started over.  Second, we try to approach things in a non-attacking manner. I wouldn't necessarily said that we do the "When you do this it makes me feel..." approach that most therapies say you should, but we try to talk in a non-threatening way and just really say what the issue is. Also, we don't stop the conversation until we both have said all we need to say, even if it means talking about multiple things. And finally, we try to truly move on from the conflict. We have both said what we need to say, figured out what needs changing if anything, and we leave the conflict there. This is harder for me than it is for my husband. He is always ready to hug and be fine when we are done talking, but I take a little longer. On Sunday, I actually told my husband, "I'm fine, I don't have anything else to say, but I'm not ready to be kissy with you yet." He chuckled and said, "Okay, thanks for telling me that." After a little while, we were both ready to smile at each other and move on.

This has been a big challenge for both of us to learn, since we are both conflict avoiders, but it has done wonders for our marriage. Conflict can actually be good for your marriage if you use it to improve your relationship instead of bring distance between you.

Seasons of Marriage

 Life has ebbs and flows. Just as the weather changes through the seasons, so does a marriage. The way you feel about your spouse is never a constant. There will inevitably be "winter" times, when it seems like you are cold and distant from one another. These times may last a few days, or months, or even years in some marriages, if a couple gets into the habit of not resolving conflict and harboring resentment that builds over time. This is a season during which a lot of marriages end in divorce, because it is in these times that it seems like you will never be happy together.
If your marriage is in a "winter" season, don't despair. If you would make the conscience effort to turn to one another and work to rebuild your relationship, you will begin to feel the coldness fade, and new growth will take it's place.

The "springtime" in marriage is filled with new wonder and possibilities, as a couple rediscovers their love for one another and begins to enjoy each other again. This doesn't usually happen over night, but gradually, as you work towards one another instead of away. Even the deepest "winter" season in marriage can always be transformed into a "spring" season, but it does take determination and work.

No matter how long you have been married, you can do your best to keep your marriage from sinking into a "winter" season. If you determine to put any past hurts behind you, always address conflict when it arises or within 24 hours, learn how to communicate your needs to your spouse and understand your spouse's needs as well, and learn how to respect your husband or love your wife, you will find that the ebbs and flows of your marriage will never dip too low, and will be filled with plenty of sunshine.

How to speak his language

If you were to straight up ask your husband if he wants you to respect him, he may not know how to respond. He has probably not thought about it using that exact word, but chances are really good that what he does want from you is admiration, devotion, and to know that you are behind him 100%. He most likely already knows that you love him, but he may not be sure if you like him. 


Here are some ideas that you could use to show your husband that he is still your man:
*Tell him how much you appreciate the work that he does for your family.
 Sometimes, especially if women also work outside of the home, wives and husbands can get in an unspoken (or even spoken!) war over who works harder throughout the course of a day. This is simply an argument that has to stop, because it will never lead to anything good. Husbands and wives both have incredibly important roles to play, both in the dynamics of the family as well as the marriage. Take the initiative to tell your husband that you are thankful for the work that he does to support your family, and mean it.

*Tell him that you really enjoy being his wife.
 There was something that originally attracted you to your husband. There were characteristics of him that made you fall in love with him. Tell him the things that you love about him. You could either just tell him, or you could write it in a note and leave it for him to find. My personal favorite is to write individual characteristics that you love about your husband, and either give them to him once a day, or leave them for him to find. 


*Tell him you value and support him as the leader of your family. 
 Again, this can get sort of blurred when both spouses work outside of the home, but God specifically states that he created men to be the leaders of their families. As with everything, if you go against God's design for something, it will not go as smoothly as He planned.


*Tell him that you are still attracted to him.
 He really needs to know this. Through the course of the day, we women can get exhausted and weary from tending to all the things that need tending to. Sometimes, once we put the kids to bed we just want to crash. This is valuable time, though, that you can use to connect with your husband. When you feel like you are connecting emotionally with your spouse, it will make you want to connect physically as well. And remember what I said yesterday, feelings are terrible leaders but they are great followers. If you put forth the effort to show your spouse that you are attracted to him, your feelings will follow your actions. 


*Tell him that he is a great father.
 Let him know how you love seeing him with the kids, and encourage him in his father role. Remember that God created men and women differently, so naturally they will have different ways of dealing with things. Even if your husband doesn't do things as you do or as you think they should be done, let him do them his way. Don't let your frustration over what your husband allowed your children to eat or how he dressed them override your support for him as your children's father. 


Give some of these ideas a good honest try. And leave it at that, without expecting anything in return. If you do them hoping to change something about him, your selfish ambition will show through. If you do them because you really want your husband to know how you feel about him, I think you will find that he will begin to show you how he really feels about you. It's a win win!

The day that reminds us to love (err respect)

So, Valentine's Day is coming up. This is a day that, for most women, can bring about any number of feelings. No matter how this day has gone for you in the past, this year why don't we let it be a reminder to show our loved ones how much we love and appreciate them all throughout the year?

There are numerous verses in the Bible that talk about love, both about Christ's love towards us and ours to Him, and about love between husbands and wives. It is a very important thing! You may have heard love being described as an action and not a feeling. I think this is true. One of our pastors at church once said something that has stuck with me. He said, "Feelings are not good leaders, but they are great followers". Feelings can come and go on a whim. When you married your spouse, you made the commitment to love even when you don't "feel" like it. When you make the choice to daily show love to your spouse, your feelings will follow your actions.

Things get tricky here, though, because while we as women speak the language of love, our husbands speak the language of respect. Ephesians 5:33 says, "Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." God created women to love, so He does not have to remind them to love their husbands. He does have to tell them to respect their husbands, though, because that is not something that comes naturally. Similarly, God created men to respect, so He does not have to remind them to respect their wives. He does have to remind them to love their wives, because that is not something that comes naturally. It is no surprise that the words "when they deserve it" are missing from that verse. Feelings are not good leaders, but they are great followers. When a husbands feels respected, he will be drawn to love. When a woman feels loved, she will be drawn to respect. Take the initiative and make the first move!

Since this post has become much longer than I anticipated (not a surprise, if you know me), tomorrow I will share some ideas on ways we can show our husbands the respect that they crave.