Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The blessing of sex

I am not excited about publishing this. Seriously? This, Lord? Okay, I'm most certainly no expert, but if what I do know will help others, then so-be-it.

A few weeks ago Scott had to go to his school's graduation. He rode with some of the other male teachers, and unbeknownst to him they had a plan to hang out for a bit afterwards. These are guys that have become good friends this year, and are some pretty stand-up guys. He called me from where they were afterwards so I would know why he wasn't on his way home, and I told him to have a good time. It was late already, and I was in bed by the time he got home.
It turns out, as one would probably expect with a small group of men, that the conversation turned from how to improve the quality of education at their school... to sex. Scott was the one who started it. He said, "You guys realize that you bringing me here instead of home greatly reduces the likelihood that I'm going to get some tonight." (I couldn't possibly be blushing any more than I am right now). After they joked that then they'd better get him home, they started to really talk about it. What did they talk about? They talked about frequency. How often? "About twice a month" here. "Lucky if even that" there. They asked Scott how often. One of the guys was taking a drink as Scott answered, and he choked on it. Really. When he was relaying this conversation to me later, I told him I was glad that he could be proud of his answer.
I don't want to go into specifics about how frequently my husband and I have sex, because, well my family reads this, and maybe his does, too. What I do want to say, though, is that we make it a priority. You see, we've been on both sides of this coin. In the first 5 1/2 years of our marriage, I was very selfish, especially when it came to sex. Now, after the first year we were married I was either pregnant or nursing a baby for the next 4 1/2 years. I was tired, and hormonal, and at the end of the day I didn't want anyone else touching me. I put the needs of my husband and this way of nourishing our marriage way on the back burner. The frequency that we had sex then was embarrassingly low. Yet, even in these circumstance I still didn't have a right to say that I didn't want any. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, the Bible says that husbands and wives should not deprive one another sexually, except for already agreed upon times of prayer after which they should come together again. It doesn't say, "unless you are too tired, or had a fight, or don't feel like it". 
If I were to compare our relationship now, when we make sex a high priority in our marriage, and before, when we didn't, on those facts alone, I would say without a doubt that our marriage is happier and more satisfying than it was before. God created sex as a way to nurture each other and our marriage. He knew that regularly engaging in this very important act would bless both the husband and the wife. He knew what He was doing!

So, here are a few steps you could take to intentionally improve this area of your marriage.
1. Go visit Sheila at her blog To Love, Honor and Vacuum and read through her series "29 Days to Great Sex", or even buy her book "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex". Really, go over and read her stuff. It is really good stuff. If you are in a situation where you have been abused or sex is literally painful for you, she has a lot of good insight and wisdom to share.
2. Sit down with your spouse and really have a conversation about your sex life. Scott and I have, on several occasions. And I have literally said, "I can't believe we are talking about this" when what we were specifically talking about was, well, embarrassing. Talk about what helps you, what hinders you, what would help you get in the mood, what would help your spouse. Talk about what would be a realistic expectation for both of you as far as what you want to strive for frequency-wise. The biggest thing here, is to take the focus off of yourself and put it on your spouse. Communication is so key!
3. Ladies, we are busy, and let's face it, sex is not something that is on our minds a lot. Guys, you've got this covered. Ladies, make a point to think about having sex with your husband. If you get yourself prepared mentally for what will come later, you will find that you are more in the mood than you used to be.
4. Pray. God wants to bless you in this area just like any other. Ask God to pour His blessing over your marriage bed as you seek to honor His ways in every area of your marriage. Pray before hand. If you don't find that your are really interested and your spouse is, pray for God to give you the momentum.

When you make sex a priority in your marriage, the blessings will abound.

I went and visited Scott at school a few days after they had had this post-graduation conversation. Two of the men, grown men, were peeking around a corner at us and giggling like school girls. They made a comment about how they had to keep an eye on us "kids" when we were on school grounds. He and I laughed, and I felt so proud as my husband's chest lifted a little. I want to be a crown on his head. I want to be a wife that he is proud to talk about. That day, I felt like one.


ells said...

we are neighbors at Shanda’s...amen...we have been married 31 yrs. and i can say it only gets better with age...if you cultivate love between each other through out the years...especially when the kids are still home...like you shared...make it a priority...God’s brings out the best. It reminds me of the wedding feast...the best wine was served at the end...

Charlie Brown's Teacher (Becky) said...

It makes want to be with my husband even MORE frequently when he shares how proud he is of our sex life.
I don't want that reputation to change!

I think that Christian marriages should be so fulfilling and satisfying that EVERYONE just has to ask, "Why?" and we get to say, "Because God..."

Thanks for sharing - even if we could sense you blushing. :)

Michy (lovingourjourney.com) said...

Thanks for coming by today!! I give you a lot of credit...I was a little uncomfortable reading this at first, but what a powerful message...well done...I just reread that bible passage last night, and I love how you write to pray about this...
:) Michy

Kelli Woodford said...

Oh, you are my hero.

I have a post about this topic, also, but have not had the courage to post it. :)

Really helpful thoughts here. I know this will be greatly used to bless many marriages. It is SUCH an important issue. To guys, perhaps it is THE issue.

Thank you for taking a brave step. (And nice to meet you!)

Megan Elzey said...

Thank you, friends. It IS so important. If I can encourage other women, then I will just blush and do it :) I really appreciate your encouragement in the process :)

m said...

What a great post! Your honesty is amazing. Blessing! SimplyHelpingHim.com

Love Is A Verb - an action said...

Hello! I am new to your blog, and I giggled when reading this post because this is the journey I have been on with my husband as well...making the conscious decision not to be selfish, but instead to be his crown. Blessings to you & your home. Christy