Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My children are not my own

My mind and heart spin. Round and round they go with anger, frustration, worry, mostly anger.

My boy has something wrong and everyone is sending me in circles, with no end in near sight. I tell myself all the Truth that I know. God is bigger than this. He already knows the answers. I have learned that I can trust Him with everything, including my boy. And still He leads me.

I lift up trembling hands, offering it up to Him. If I could leave it there at His feet then I wouldn't be in the emotionally and physically wound situation that I'm in. The problem is that then I take it back. He's my boy. And then I remember that he was His boy first.

And then he looks at me and smiles and says, "I love you, Mommy. More than you know I do." And then he's my boy and I'm picking him up and hugging him close and he's got his arms around me, playing with my hair. And I'm melting, and I'm frustrated, because the people who control this situation are telling me that there really is not so much a situation as I think there is.

And then I remember that really He controls this situation, and round and round I go.

And now I choose to stop. I choose to remember that my boy isn't really mine. And even if I have to tell myself the same thing over and over and over, I will remember that in Him lies the future of my son.  

In this world I will have trouble, Hudson will have trouble, but we can be encouraged because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). And because He has, in Him we have. So I will take it to His feet and leave it there. And I will rest in His calming presence, as His peace guards my heart and my mind (Matthew 11:28, Philippians 4:7).
 
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul. Worship His Holy name. Sing like never before, O my soul, I'll worship Your Holy name. The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning. It's time to sing Your song again. Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes." 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman

And we won't even go into the fact that this morning I have to take Remi to the doctor because she did something to her thumb and now it is stuck bent and won't straighten out...

8 comments:

Jenni said...

Sometimes it can be so difficult to remember this... Thanks you for sharing your heart.

Melanie said...

This is the hardest part of parenting. Mine are both in college and it is still a struggle, but it has gotten easier. They are God's and have always been. Blessings!

Mindy @ New Equus - A New Creation said...

This is so true...God only gives them to us for a short while and then we have to turn them loose and trust He has them in his hands ALWAYS! Beautiful post! :)

Denise said...

So very true.

MomLaur said...

Amen. Whatever may pass....

Tereasa said...

I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. It is heartbreaking to know there is something amiss and not be able to find the help you need. I pray that you will grow in your trust of God and that he will provide exactly what your son needs. In fact, he already has provided it! I pray that he will show it to you. I don't know what is going on, but I want to offer myself as support. I have children with various special needs, developmental and physical. It has been a long road. God bless you!

Megan Elzey said...

Thank you all for your encouraging words :) I need to trust that God already knows the path we will take, and He already knows what my son needs.

Working Mom said...

Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. After 6 months of fighting following my 10 year old having suicidal ideations, we finally know that she has CAPD. Pray daily and be an advocate for your son. That is all you can do.