"There's some one else. I'm in love with her. I want a divorce."
Those dreaded words had come out of my husband's mouth just a few days before. I spent the weekend trying to convince him otherwise.
After another afternoon of me trying again to talk to him, he decided to go outside and play with our two older kids.
As soon as he walked outside, I cried out, "Oh God, what do I do?" His answer came quick and it brought me to tears. "Let him go." I replied, "I don't want to!" In His infinite knowledge of today and tomorrow, He said again, "Let him go."
To read the rest of this story, head over to Messy Marriage, where Beth is sharing about how my marriage was destroyed by sin, and redeemed by Grace.
Showing posts with label our story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label our story. Show all posts
Monday, July 16, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
A marriage restored (Our story, part 3)
This is the third part of our story of a marriage that was ripped apart by sin and restored by God's mighty hand (you can read part 1 here and part 2 here).
When Scott came back home, instead of things getting easier they got harder. We both felt like we were doing the tremendous work of digging ourselves out of a great hole. He came home with a deep desire to work things out, but as the days wore on and he still shared a work environment with her, he began to doubt. Thankfully (and strategically ordained by God, I am certain), he continued to meet weekly with the friend of ours who he met with the day he came back home. Those regular meetings were like a boost of strength and conviction for Scott every time he went. I began the difficult work of facing what had happened, and was trying to find my way to the top of the deep deep hurt that I had experienced. We both continued to see our marriage counselor, but this time it was different. The counselor knew what had happened, since while we were separated I continued to go to him by myself, and when we went we were able to start moving forward from the very beginning. We read a lot of books together and separately (I would be happy to share titles if anyone is interested), we talked A LOT about what we had gone through even prior to the affair, we decided on some things we were going to do differently, and, most importantly, we spent a lot of time beseeching God on behalf of ourselves and our marriage.
One of the things that our counselor told Scott in one of the early sessions after we got back together was that he was going to have to realize that I was going to need to talk through what happened. I was going to need to talk, to cry, to say mean things about the other woman if I felt like it (without him defending her), to be affirmed by him, and to process through what happened, over and over and over again. I am so thankful that he told Scott this, because that is exactly what I needed. And through it all, Scott remained patient with me, he answered questions for me (sometimes very difficult questions), he was honest with me (even when the honesty hurt me), and he didn't try to deny anything that happened. I have heard of several situations where a couple was trying to work their way through the hurt of an affair and the person who had the affair was very intolerant of talking about what happened and just expected their spouse to get over what happened as soon as possible. I am SO thankful that Scott was not that way. I think the reason why he was able to do this, aside from our counselor warning him that it would be coming, was because he could see in me a change from the woman I once was. I treated him differently, with respect and dignity, no matter how I was feeling. I could also see a change in him. As God worked in his heart, I could see a different man emerge. The man he was becoming was one of dignity, of honor, of a genuine desire to know and love God. We both, in our own ways, had spent some time in the refining fires of God. Those fires were very hot and painful, but they had done (and continue to do) the necessary job of refining us both.
The journey to recovery we were on was not a short one. It was, however, one that had the very hand of God on it every step of the way. Instead of being a constant upward line of healing, the recovery line after an affair looks more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. We would have good days and we would have bad days. Sometimes our day would start out good, turn bad in the middle, then end up good. Satan was not happy that our marriage had overcome the destruction he had planned for it, and he did not give up easily. Thankfully, God continued to carry and lead us through, even in the times that we didn't even have the strength to lift up our eyes to Him. I struggled with forgiveness, with pain that hurt to the very core of my being, with trusting him again, and at times with even being unsure that I had the strength or desire to continue on in our journey. He struggled with guilt, with rebuilding a character that he had destroyed with his choices, and with regaining my trust. Beyond the first couple of really tough weeks, his loyalty and desire for me and our family has never waivered. God opened Scott's eyes to what he almost lost, and he has never looked back. I struggled through, and it it has been very helpful for me to have his strong arms to depend on during the times when all I could do was cry.
Our healing process has been just that, a process. One of the things that our marriage counselor said to us early on was that our experience was like a deep deep wound. When tending to a deep deep wound, you can't just put a Band-Aid over it or it will get infected. You have to get in there and clean it out, as deep down as the cut goes. Then you will have to wait for the pain to stop, and for healing to occur. Finally, two full years later, I can say that we are there. Two years may seem like a long time to someone who is just going through what we went through, but at the time I felt like the pain would NEVER stop, that I would NEVER forgive, that we would NEVER make it out of the hole. The memories will never leave us, and the affair is something that will always be a part of our past. But, the pain stays away (for the most part), and through our experience God has made a ministry for us. We are both passionate about marriage, and we are always telling couples to take care of each other. We would encourage a couple that the best thing they can do for their spouse is to have a great relationship with God, and the best thing they can do for their children if they have them is to have a great marriage with each other. Divorce is never easy, never clean, and it never happens without the children and spouses being destroyed. I don't care what anyone may tell you about their own supposed happiness post-divorce, it never ever works out well. That is a lie straight from Satan himself. Because he wants to destroy you.
I can honestly say that our marriage now is better and more fulfilling than it ever was before the affair. I have seen Christ, have experienced His wonderful, grace-filled hands around me. I will never go back. He has opened my eyes to see my husband for who he was created to be: my husband, not the sole source of my happiness. God has opened Scott's eyes to see the role of leader that God created him to be. These are things that we both struggled with before. Although it was the most painful thing Scott and I have ever experienced, we would both say that we can look back on it and be happy that it happened. If not for the affair, our marriage would possibly still be the train wreck that it was. That is a tricky thing to say, because I don't ever want to come across as saying that I think someone should have an affair to make their marriage better. You do have the choice to make your marriage better before it ever leads to something like a divorce or affair. Trust me, do the hard work of cultivating a healthy marriage. It does take work, and it will take work every single day, but it is so much easier than dealing with the aftermath of a divorce or affair.
When Scott came back home, instead of things getting easier they got harder. We both felt like we were doing the tremendous work of digging ourselves out of a great hole. He came home with a deep desire to work things out, but as the days wore on and he still shared a work environment with her, he began to doubt. Thankfully (and strategically ordained by God, I am certain), he continued to meet weekly with the friend of ours who he met with the day he came back home. Those regular meetings were like a boost of strength and conviction for Scott every time he went. I began the difficult work of facing what had happened, and was trying to find my way to the top of the deep deep hurt that I had experienced. We both continued to see our marriage counselor, but this time it was different. The counselor knew what had happened, since while we were separated I continued to go to him by myself, and when we went we were able to start moving forward from the very beginning. We read a lot of books together and separately (I would be happy to share titles if anyone is interested), we talked A LOT about what we had gone through even prior to the affair, we decided on some things we were going to do differently, and, most importantly, we spent a lot of time beseeching God on behalf of ourselves and our marriage.
One of the things that our counselor told Scott in one of the early sessions after we got back together was that he was going to have to realize that I was going to need to talk through what happened. I was going to need to talk, to cry, to say mean things about the other woman if I felt like it (without him defending her), to be affirmed by him, and to process through what happened, over and over and over again. I am so thankful that he told Scott this, because that is exactly what I needed. And through it all, Scott remained patient with me, he answered questions for me (sometimes very difficult questions), he was honest with me (even when the honesty hurt me), and he didn't try to deny anything that happened. I have heard of several situations where a couple was trying to work their way through the hurt of an affair and the person who had the affair was very intolerant of talking about what happened and just expected their spouse to get over what happened as soon as possible. I am SO thankful that Scott was not that way. I think the reason why he was able to do this, aside from our counselor warning him that it would be coming, was because he could see in me a change from the woman I once was. I treated him differently, with respect and dignity, no matter how I was feeling. I could also see a change in him. As God worked in his heart, I could see a different man emerge. The man he was becoming was one of dignity, of honor, of a genuine desire to know and love God. We both, in our own ways, had spent some time in the refining fires of God. Those fires were very hot and painful, but they had done (and continue to do) the necessary job of refining us both.
The journey to recovery we were on was not a short one. It was, however, one that had the very hand of God on it every step of the way. Instead of being a constant upward line of healing, the recovery line after an affair looks more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. We would have good days and we would have bad days. Sometimes our day would start out good, turn bad in the middle, then end up good. Satan was not happy that our marriage had overcome the destruction he had planned for it, and he did not give up easily. Thankfully, God continued to carry and lead us through, even in the times that we didn't even have the strength to lift up our eyes to Him. I struggled with forgiveness, with pain that hurt to the very core of my being, with trusting him again, and at times with even being unsure that I had the strength or desire to continue on in our journey. He struggled with guilt, with rebuilding a character that he had destroyed with his choices, and with regaining my trust. Beyond the first couple of really tough weeks, his loyalty and desire for me and our family has never waivered. God opened Scott's eyes to what he almost lost, and he has never looked back. I struggled through, and it it has been very helpful for me to have his strong arms to depend on during the times when all I could do was cry.
Our healing process has been just that, a process. One of the things that our marriage counselor said to us early on was that our experience was like a deep deep wound. When tending to a deep deep wound, you can't just put a Band-Aid over it or it will get infected. You have to get in there and clean it out, as deep down as the cut goes. Then you will have to wait for the pain to stop, and for healing to occur. Finally, two full years later, I can say that we are there. Two years may seem like a long time to someone who is just going through what we went through, but at the time I felt like the pain would NEVER stop, that I would NEVER forgive, that we would NEVER make it out of the hole. The memories will never leave us, and the affair is something that will always be a part of our past. But, the pain stays away (for the most part), and through our experience God has made a ministry for us. We are both passionate about marriage, and we are always telling couples to take care of each other. We would encourage a couple that the best thing they can do for their spouse is to have a great relationship with God, and the best thing they can do for their children if they have them is to have a great marriage with each other. Divorce is never easy, never clean, and it never happens without the children and spouses being destroyed. I don't care what anyone may tell you about their own supposed happiness post-divorce, it never ever works out well. That is a lie straight from Satan himself. Because he wants to destroy you.
I can honestly say that our marriage now is better and more fulfilling than it ever was before the affair. I have seen Christ, have experienced His wonderful, grace-filled hands around me. I will never go back. He has opened my eyes to see my husband for who he was created to be: my husband, not the sole source of my happiness. God has opened Scott's eyes to see the role of leader that God created him to be. These are things that we both struggled with before. Although it was the most painful thing Scott and I have ever experienced, we would both say that we can look back on it and be happy that it happened. If not for the affair, our marriage would possibly still be the train wreck that it was. That is a tricky thing to say, because I don't ever want to come across as saying that I think someone should have an affair to make their marriage better. You do have the choice to make your marriage better before it ever leads to something like a divorce or affair. Trust me, do the hard work of cultivating a healthy marriage. It does take work, and it will take work every single day, but it is so much easier than dealing with the aftermath of a divorce or affair.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
We survived an affair (our story, part 2)
This is the second part of our marriage story (you can read the first part here). It is neither easy nor glamorous, as the movies might make you think about marriage. It is real life. Really, it is a story that shows God's great strength, love, and grace. I share it in the hope that someone else would be encouraged.
When our new baby was born, it seemed like Scott withdrew from me even more. He began sleeping in another bedroom, because I was nursing the baby through the night, and he also began to retire early in the evenings with his computer. One Friday, when the baby was three weeks old, he excitedly told me that he was going to be staying up late that night because the Buckeyes were playing late in a March Madness Tournament game. When evening came, we put the two older kids to bed and then when we came back downstairs he said he was going to go to bed. He got his computer and went upstairs to the room he had been sleeping in. I knew that he planned on being up for a while, so the fact that he had left me in the living room with our new baby made me feel very uneasy. After getting the baby to sleep, I put her in bed and then went into the room where Scott was. He was laying in bed and watching a House re-run on the computer, and I crawled into bed with him. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "nothing." Mustering up determination that I didn't know I had, I told him that I knew something was wrong, that when I hugged him it was like I was hugging a brick wall for all the affection he returned to me, and that I wasn't going to leave until he told me what was going on. I stood my ground, and then he finally realized that I was not giving up.
He said, "You really want to know the truth?"
I said, "Yes, I do."
He said, "There's someone else."
At that very moment, my world began to spiral out of control. Trying to grasp at something to right myself, I began peppering him with questions. Yes, she was married as well but was going through a divorce. Yes, she had a daughter about the same age as our son. No, I didn't know her, hadn't met her. Yes, he loved her. No, he didn't know what he wanted to decide from there. No, he didn't know if he even wanted to stop seeing her. No, they hadn't had sex. Yes, she wanted to be with him. Yes, if they stayed together he would help her raise her daughter. No, she didn't want to have anymore children. And on and on it went until, at least for the moment, there was nothing more to stay. I told him that of course he could stay, but only if he agreed to stop seeing her. He said he would have to think about it, and talk to her about it when he saw her at school in a few days. I went back to my bed, where I prayed and wept the entire night.
After a few days it was clear that I was not able to get through to him at all about how we could work on our marriage and that it could get better. Once he got the news of the affair off his chest and no longer felt like he had to pretend, I could really see how much I had lost him. He decided that he didn't want to stop seeing her, and he didn't want to be with me. I told him that if he couldn't stay away from her then he had to move out. I later learned that as soon as he got his own apartment, their affair progressed from emotional to physical.
For two months we were separated. Scott was determined that he wanted a divorce. He thought that he had married the wrong person. He thought that there was not any hope that our marriage could be good again. He thought that once he could be divorced from me and be with the other woman, everything would be much better. They would be fine. The kids would be fine. I would be fine. These were all lies that Satan had fed him over time, and he had been in such a low spot that he believed them. I knew this. I also knew that none of it was true.
The moment that Scott told me about the other woman was the moment that I met Christ face to face. With a new baby and a 2 and 3 year old, the reality of what had happened would have literally pushed me over the edge. Instead, Christ carried me through that time. With my eyes fixed solely on Him, on saving my marriage no matter what, and on allowing Christ to transform me into the person He needed me to be, I somehow stayed above water. This, I had decided, was my only option. I knew that my failed marriage was not all my fault, but I was somehow wise enough to realize that it was not all my husband's fault either. I learned that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control him. But, I could control myself, and I wanted to use the opportunity to allow Christ to show me what kind of woman and wife I needed to be. I believed that God would bring us back together in His time, and I wanted to be ready. I had faith that God would change Scott in His time as well.
So I prayed, every minute of every day, and all through the night. I leaned very heavily on the shoulders of the people that love me and stepped in to help me (you all know who you are, and I love you dearly). God made sure that my needs and the needs of my babies were met, and in the meantime He transformed me. And in time, he transformed Scott as well. My prayers were that God would change the very heart of Scott, that God would bring Scott to his knees at the foot of the Cross, that He would break down the walls that existed between Scott and me, and put up walls between Scott and the other woman. And this is exactly what happened. Over time God began to open Scott's eyes. Finally, in God's perfect timing, He brought Scott to a place where He could speak to his heart. And He told my husband to come back home. The morning of our 6th wedding anniversary, Scott came by the house to drop the kids off on his way out of town. He and I talked, and I could tell that something had changed in him. I told him about the family reunion coming up that his mother had spoken to me about, and told him that he would be able to take the kids, even Remi for a while. He said, "Maybe we will all go together."
Two hours after he left my house, he called me. He told me that he had stopped by the other woman's house after he left ours, and he had broken things off with her. He said that he wanted to work on himself and our marriage. He didn't know if he was ready to come back home yet, but he was at least considering it. He didn't know exactly what that would look like, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. When he came back into town the next day, he made an appointment to speak to our pastor and great friend after work the following day. After meeting with him, Scott called me and told me that he was coming home. And he was staying.
This is part 2 of a three part story. You can find part 1 here and part 3 here.
When our new baby was born, it seemed like Scott withdrew from me even more. He began sleeping in another bedroom, because I was nursing the baby through the night, and he also began to retire early in the evenings with his computer. One Friday, when the baby was three weeks old, he excitedly told me that he was going to be staying up late that night because the Buckeyes were playing late in a March Madness Tournament game. When evening came, we put the two older kids to bed and then when we came back downstairs he said he was going to go to bed. He got his computer and went upstairs to the room he had been sleeping in. I knew that he planned on being up for a while, so the fact that he had left me in the living room with our new baby made me feel very uneasy. After getting the baby to sleep, I put her in bed and then went into the room where Scott was. He was laying in bed and watching a House re-run on the computer, and I crawled into bed with him. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "nothing." Mustering up determination that I didn't know I had, I told him that I knew something was wrong, that when I hugged him it was like I was hugging a brick wall for all the affection he returned to me, and that I wasn't going to leave until he told me what was going on. I stood my ground, and then he finally realized that I was not giving up.
He said, "You really want to know the truth?"
I said, "Yes, I do."
He said, "There's someone else."
At that very moment, my world began to spiral out of control. Trying to grasp at something to right myself, I began peppering him with questions. Yes, she was married as well but was going through a divorce. Yes, she had a daughter about the same age as our son. No, I didn't know her, hadn't met her. Yes, he loved her. No, he didn't know what he wanted to decide from there. No, he didn't know if he even wanted to stop seeing her. No, they hadn't had sex. Yes, she wanted to be with him. Yes, if they stayed together he would help her raise her daughter. No, she didn't want to have anymore children. And on and on it went until, at least for the moment, there was nothing more to stay. I told him that of course he could stay, but only if he agreed to stop seeing her. He said he would have to think about it, and talk to her about it when he saw her at school in a few days. I went back to my bed, where I prayed and wept the entire night.
After a few days it was clear that I was not able to get through to him at all about how we could work on our marriage and that it could get better. Once he got the news of the affair off his chest and no longer felt like he had to pretend, I could really see how much I had lost him. He decided that he didn't want to stop seeing her, and he didn't want to be with me. I told him that if he couldn't stay away from her then he had to move out. I later learned that as soon as he got his own apartment, their affair progressed from emotional to physical.
For two months we were separated. Scott was determined that he wanted a divorce. He thought that he had married the wrong person. He thought that there was not any hope that our marriage could be good again. He thought that once he could be divorced from me and be with the other woman, everything would be much better. They would be fine. The kids would be fine. I would be fine. These were all lies that Satan had fed him over time, and he had been in such a low spot that he believed them. I knew this. I also knew that none of it was true.
The moment that Scott told me about the other woman was the moment that I met Christ face to face. With a new baby and a 2 and 3 year old, the reality of what had happened would have literally pushed me over the edge. Instead, Christ carried me through that time. With my eyes fixed solely on Him, on saving my marriage no matter what, and on allowing Christ to transform me into the person He needed me to be, I somehow stayed above water. This, I had decided, was my only option. I knew that my failed marriage was not all my fault, but I was somehow wise enough to realize that it was not all my husband's fault either. I learned that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control him. But, I could control myself, and I wanted to use the opportunity to allow Christ to show me what kind of woman and wife I needed to be. I believed that God would bring us back together in His time, and I wanted to be ready. I had faith that God would change Scott in His time as well.
So I prayed, every minute of every day, and all through the night. I leaned very heavily on the shoulders of the people that love me and stepped in to help me (you all know who you are, and I love you dearly). God made sure that my needs and the needs of my babies were met, and in the meantime He transformed me. And in time, he transformed Scott as well. My prayers were that God would change the very heart of Scott, that God would bring Scott to his knees at the foot of the Cross, that He would break down the walls that existed between Scott and me, and put up walls between Scott and the other woman. And this is exactly what happened. Over time God began to open Scott's eyes. Finally, in God's perfect timing, He brought Scott to a place where He could speak to his heart. And He told my husband to come back home. The morning of our 6th wedding anniversary, Scott came by the house to drop the kids off on his way out of town. He and I talked, and I could tell that something had changed in him. I told him about the family reunion coming up that his mother had spoken to me about, and told him that he would be able to take the kids, even Remi for a while. He said, "Maybe we will all go together."
Two hours after he left my house, he called me. He told me that he had stopped by the other woman's house after he left ours, and he had broken things off with her. He said that he wanted to work on himself and our marriage. He didn't know if he was ready to come back home yet, but he was at least considering it. He didn't know exactly what that would look like, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. When he came back into town the next day, he made an appointment to speak to our pastor and great friend after work the following day. After meeting with him, Scott called me and told me that he was coming home. And he was staying.
This is part 2 of a three part story. You can find part 1 here and part 3 here.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Our Story, part 1
In a couple of my blog posts I have mentioned the fact that my
husband and I went through an incredibly difficult time in our marriage a
few years ago. Lately I have felt like God is calling me to step out
and share the whole story.
One of our pastors said something the other day that really blessed me and encouraged me in making this decision (it seems like they have been blessing me so much lately with their wisdom!). He said "when we have the opportunity to trade something that is not eternal for something that is eternal, we should make that trade every single time." In putting our story out there, I am choosing to trust in God to use it to help other people instead of holding on to my own comfort. So, here is the first part of our story of a marriage ripped apart by sin, and redeemed by God's Grace.
We grew up in a small town, and in some ways it seems like we had
always been aware of each other. I was a year ahead of him in school,
and during my senior year we were in the same math class. Being so close
in proximity to him every day, I began to really notice him, especially
when he began tripping me when I would pass his seat to go to my seat
(hey, we were in high school). At some point my friend starting
talking to me about him, because she thought we would look cute
together. And he had a car. One evening I went to the Senior Night
volleyball game in support of my friend. I noticed one of his friends
there before the game started and asked him if he knew if Scott would be
coming. He said he didn't know. About 10 minutes later, as we stood to
sing the National Anthem, I saw him. The flag was located over top of
the entrance, and it was at that moment that he arrived. In the mass of
all the people, his eyes found mine. In that short amount of time that
we stood staring at each other, we became completely hooked. I had begun
my senior year planning to not have a boyfriend, since I was going to
be going to college the next Fall. As I stood and stared at that tall,
handsome boy with light hair and green eyes, all of that changed. I
later learned that his friend had called him (on the pay phone, hee hee)
and told him that I had asked about him. He immediately left to come to
the game. Within a few days, we were officially a "couple". God already
had plans for us that were bigger than we could have ever imagined.
We dated through my senior year and then his, and through both of us going to separate colleges. We had the normal issues that most other dating couples had, especially since we were so young, but through it all there was an underlying bond that brought us through everything we went through. On a beautiful day in May, 5 1/2 years after that volleyball game, we stood before friends and family and said our vows. We were young and naive, but we knew that we were best friends and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together. What we didn't realize was that we were both taking a great deal of baggage resulting from our individual childhoods into our marriage with us, and as the years passed and life got hard, that baggage would rear it's very ugly head. We were doing the best we knew how, but through the stress of life, pregnancy, a miscarriage, and three babies born in less than 4 years, the way we were treating each other drew us away from instead of towards each other.
By the middle of my pregnancy of our third child, we had a 1 and 3 year old, and our 5 1/2 year marriage was in serious trouble. We began seeing a marriage counselor to work out our issues. We discovered a lot about the way we were treating each other, about my insecurities and abandonment issues stemming from my parent's divorce and the lack of my father's involvement in my life, about his feelings of never being good or capable enough carried over from his childhood, and our shared tendency to avoid discussing conflict. While we were discovering many things during our therapy sessions, in between them Scott would still withdrawal from me. We would take steps forward with our counselor, and then steps way back when it was just the two of us.
Finally, during one of the snowiest days in February, our third child was born. Amid the joy of her arrival and wonderful home birth was the overriding feeling that our marriage was still in deep trouble.
This is part 1 of 3. You can find part 2 here, and part 3 here.
One of our pastors said something the other day that really blessed me and encouraged me in making this decision (it seems like they have been blessing me so much lately with their wisdom!). He said "when we have the opportunity to trade something that is not eternal for something that is eternal, we should make that trade every single time." In putting our story out there, I am choosing to trust in God to use it to help other people instead of holding on to my own comfort. So, here is the first part of our story of a marriage ripped apart by sin, and redeemed by God's Grace.
We dated through my senior year and then his, and through both of us going to separate colleges. We had the normal issues that most other dating couples had, especially since we were so young, but through it all there was an underlying bond that brought us through everything we went through. On a beautiful day in May, 5 1/2 years after that volleyball game, we stood before friends and family and said our vows. We were young and naive, but we knew that we were best friends and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together. What we didn't realize was that we were both taking a great deal of baggage resulting from our individual childhoods into our marriage with us, and as the years passed and life got hard, that baggage would rear it's very ugly head. We were doing the best we knew how, but through the stress of life, pregnancy, a miscarriage, and three babies born in less than 4 years, the way we were treating each other drew us away from instead of towards each other.
By the middle of my pregnancy of our third child, we had a 1 and 3 year old, and our 5 1/2 year marriage was in serious trouble. We began seeing a marriage counselor to work out our issues. We discovered a lot about the way we were treating each other, about my insecurities and abandonment issues stemming from my parent's divorce and the lack of my father's involvement in my life, about his feelings of never being good or capable enough carried over from his childhood, and our shared tendency to avoid discussing conflict. While we were discovering many things during our therapy sessions, in between them Scott would still withdrawal from me. We would take steps forward with our counselor, and then steps way back when it was just the two of us.
Finally, during one of the snowiest days in February, our third child was born. Amid the joy of her arrival and wonderful home birth was the overriding feeling that our marriage was still in deep trouble.
This is part 1 of 3. You can find part 2 here, and part 3 here.
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